Lately my thoughts have strayed from their typical angry and sarcastic to the realm of angry and angrier. So in celebration of the glorious way I feel, I decided to stick with the theme that is occupying my mind. Here is my list of the top five:
Impractical Suicide Methods
1) Death by cop
While this would be a truly thrilling way to go, it's likelihood is low. The first problem is locating a gun or other threatening weapon. The second problem is finding a place to wave it around that someone would call the cops on you. The finial issue with this is that you simply can never find a cop when you need one.
2) Ax murderer
So I explored the other end of the spectrum. If I wouldn't be able to find a cop, maybe I could find a deranged psycho killer to do the job. After pondering the topic for a while, I realized that I am not at a summer camp, I do not own a bikini and I have no real access to any significantly wooded area. Alas, I will not be able to count on a fellow crazy person for assistance. These damned crazy people are so unreliable.
3) Set myself on fire
As simple as this may sound, we need to take into account several factors. Clothing is just not that flammable. Neither is skin. It is true that once you get them going, they will burn, but you definitely need an accelerant. And seriously, have you seen the price of gas lately?
4) Killer bees
Another winner. All I would have to do is swear myself with pollen and honey, find some killer bees and wait. The problem, finding the killer bees. I looked they up in the yellow pages and they are just not listed. They must be with the psycho killers.
I can't think of a more suitable death for me than to go out like a toon. I could really make Daffy Duck proud. The problem is locating a proper anvil, which would be placed in position to fall onto me. I would also need an accomplice and that is nearly impossible to find. I can't get hold of Acme either, so I'm shit out of luck.
OK, I thought that I had five, but I had six. My final impractical way of committing suicide is by airlock. Since we don't have much in the way of space travel, I would have to settle for a trip on the space shuttle. Not only is this expensive, but it takes a ton of training. Plus I think they put you through a psych evaluation, and let's face it, I'm not passing that crap. So that idea is scrapped.
That's my list. I hope it was fun. I don't feel any better, but at least I got to draw some pretty pictures. Have a nice day.