Dear Super Plant Expert,
Several months ago, I purchased the Space Age Tomato Plant. I was so excited because not only have I always wanted to grow year round tomatoes, but the idea of them coming from space was incredible. I must admit that when they first arrived, I had my doubt as to their extraterrestrial origins. But as time went by my feelings changed.
It started fine at first:
The tomato plant looked perfectly normal. It appeared to be a regular Earth plant. I followed the directions to the letter. I planted it in sand as it directed, watered it the same time each day, and fed it the strange green glowing fertilizer. The plant grew at an exponential rate. I was becoming very impressed.
Soon some tomatoes appeared. They grew quickly but still looked fairly normal:
I was pleased with the ample tomato growth. I looked forward to eating the delicious tomatoes. But then something changed. You see, I had a small accident. I unintentionally watered the plant twice in one day, forgetting. After mere hours, a spot formed on one of the fruits:
At first, I thought it was nothing. I assumed it could have been cause by many natural occurrences, but then it got bigger:
I feared that my accident could have damaged the fruit. The rest of the plant looked fine, but it seemed like insect life has made a home in my poor tomato. But it was not insectoid in origin. I looked closer to see the horrible truth:
My beautiful tomato has developed something that looks like a black hole. Did I do this by over fertilizing the plant? Is this some kind of Space Tomato disease? How do I cure it? Will my house get sucked into my tomato black hole now? Should I blame ninjas for this?
Signed Miss Black Thumb
Town City, USA
Dear Black Thumb,
After reviewing your images and description, I have come to the conclusion that you are one dumb bitch. Do you not realize that your carelessness may have brought upon the doom of the entire human race? Your little 'accident' has caused the formation of an uncontrolled singularity. Everybody knows NEVER, EVER water Space Age Tomato plants twice in one day. But, no, you had to be irresponsible. Now, left unchecked this singularity will continue to grow until it has devourered the entire universe. Geez, what kind of idiot waters Space Aged Tomatoes twice in a day? What were you thinking? At the rate it is going, I give this process two weeks. This means that by the time your receive this response you will most likely already be crushed into single dimensional space, and I will never have the opportunity to tell you just what a git you actually are. My only solace is that there may be an afterlife where you will burn in hell for killing me and every other living being in the universe. Good job, you genocidal freak.
Either that, or you overwatered it and this caused the fruit to decay. If that's the case, allow the soil to dry out for a few days before watering again. Add ninjas as needed.
Super Plant Expert