In the past, many made use of mascots to
advertise their products. We've had everything from Speedy for Alka
Seltzer to the Gecko for Geico.
But with times changing, and superheroes being more popular than ever; I believe we need to shift some of the product associations to something with a little more punch.
I start my list with:
Power: Moisture Barrier
Also known as the "Moist Avenger", he is moisture unleashed, protecting the world from a climate of dry cracking
and chapping. In some parts of the world, he is all that stands between
damp joy and dry anguish. He's not too bright (hence the U on his
shirt for hUmidifier), but his soggy heart is in the right place. He
is sloppy but lovable.
Although mostly unsung, there are a few that recognize his might. He is mentioned in the song "Comeback Season" by Drake:
You wit a liar
"I'm clearing the air
I'm a humidifier
I'm spittin fire
And gettin flyer"
The reference to "Humidifier Man" is clear. He is often heard shouting, "Curses you dry dog!" before battling his supernemesis "Desert Dog". He fights to protect the innocent from the forces of dehydration.
Power: Relief from arch pain.
Will "The Foot" help stamp out crime - no! But he will stamp out the pain in your ankles. No longer will anyone have to endure horrid foot pain. Not with "The Foot" on the job. He will sooth your arches while fighting his archnemesis "Plantar Famightus". "Famightus" will attack the innocent with his muscle shrinking ray, but "The Foot" will block his attempts, with the "Shield of Healthy Circulation". All this, and a pleasant massaging action is sure to please all that encounter "The Foot"!
Thirsty? Tired of sugary soft drinks? Need more vitamins in your life? Well here is your savior - "The Jucifier"! He came to this world to save the children of this planet from the evils of processed sugar. Able to juice an orange in the blink of eye. He can puree a carrot before you can say "What's up Doc?". The Jucifier is the last word in all things fruity. Watch him combat his evil foe "The Carbonated Conspirator". Drink his fruiter spoils when he wins! He is the friend of thirsty children everywhere.
Power: Child protection.
No child left behind. Nah, how about no child allowed to watch WWE extreme! That's right, sex and violence will not abide when if "Victory Chip" has anything to do with it! It's his job to make sure no unapproved fun reaches your child's eyes. Beware smut peddlers! "Victory Chip" is on the job. Born is the archives of a famous chip manufacturer, "Victory Chip" realized that there was a void that needed to be filled with his talents. No other chip had the ability to thwart the evils of inappropriate television, so "Victory Chip" donned his uniform and set forth to defend the moral denizens of this world from age inappropriate viewing. In his small allotment of downtime, he is often found volunteering for children's programs and spending time with his friend "The Jucifier".
The Sonic Wall
Power: Internet safety
Plagued by computer viruses, spam stinking up your inbox? Call "Sonic Wall"! He will virtually block everything! Did "Porno Man" attack your desktop? Fear not! "Sonic Wall" is on the job. Trojans trying to turn your computer into an online casino? "Sonic Wall" will stop the attack in its tracks. There are many rivals in his line of work, but "Sonic Wall" tries to work with all of them. He is friendly and easy to work with, but he does not accept any text commands. So keep to menus and you'll be just fine. Remember, do not taunt "Sonic Wall" or you get no internet.