It’s that time
again. I have had 5 free minutes, and a
mystery worth pondering. This time it’s
big. This time it’s personal. This time it’s…
The mystery of
my torn underwear
Ok, we all know
that underwear tears and needs replacing every so often. However, it is how it tears that bothers
me. Take a look below at the evidence.
Notice the hole
forming in the front of the underwear.
What is that? All my underwear
tears in this same place. Logically
thinking, one would expect the greatest wear and tear on the back of my
underwear. I sit on my butt, which is
covered by the back of my underwear. So
why isn’t the back torn? What could
possibly be wearing out the front of my underwear? I don’t have anything up front that could
possibly do this. Really.
I compiled a list
of suspects.
Suspect #1:
The dryer.
This suspect is
violent, and indiscriminant. I would
expect such behavior from this beast; however it is not intelligent or
consistent. When it destroys, it leaves
no pattern of any kind. Therefore, I
conclude that this is not the source of my underwear destruction.
Suspect #2:
Bad white cat
She’s fluffy. She’s cute.
She’s sweet. Sometimes she’ll
even turn on you, and show you her “bad side.” She chews on plastic bags like
there is no tomorrow. She rubs on black
things. Alas, she does not go for
underwear though, even if it’s black.
Nor does she have access to my skivvies on any kind of regular
basis. Her alibi is air tight.
Suspect #3:
Quantum singularity.
Imagine this, an
infinite number of tiny quantum singularities, and many of them find their way
into my underwear drawer. Imagine the
incredible forces they would unleash, not to mention the damage they could do
to my unmentionables. While this is an interesting and well thought out theory,
there are two factors that invalidate this concept. The first is that this would warp the
gravitational field around my dresser, making it impossible to get dressed in
the morning. This is an excuse for
getting out of work, but unfortunately this has not happened. The next fact is that frequently my clean
underwear gets left mixed in the laundry basket with my other clothes for days;
yet my underwear still gets torn. Therefore, it cannot be a singularity causing
my torn underwear.
Suspect #4
Angry ninja roommate
Well, she wouldn’t
waste time on my underwear. She would just
put holes in me. Besides, she is just
too busy breaking the home network to have time to tear holes in my
undies. So it’s not her.
Suspect #5
Garden gnome organized crime.
Maybe I missed the
point altogether. Maybe, I should have
focused on a more criminal element. I
have neglected making my payments to the gnome’s “protection fund” all this
time. Maybe I have angered them and just
need to pay up. Maybe it’s not the
gnomes at all; maybe it’s the ducks. I
always get those two confused.
Conclusion:
I have none. I still haven’t the faintest idea why my
underwear tears in the front each and every time. If anyone has any enlightening ideas, email me.
Also I am taking
donations to replace my diminishing underwear supply. Click below to help the fight against evil
underwear vandalism.